The Humpday Dump: Hit Me Baby One More Time!
Britney Spears claimed Wemby's security guard hit her in Vegas, a lady tried taking a picture with a buffalo at Yellowstone, an elk goes after a jogger in Colorado, and Utah kids target an Uber.
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Britney Speared!
This Just In: One day, a girl named Britney walked into a restaurant in Las Vegas. She recognized Justin Timberlake Victor Wembenyama so she walked up to him like old friends do AND REPORTEDLY GOT CLOTHESLINED BY VICTOR'S SECURITY DETAIL!
"I recognized an athlete in my hotel lobby as I was heading to dinner. I later went to a restaurant at a different hotel and saw him again. I decided to approach him and congratulate him on his success,” she recalled. “It was really loud, so I tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. I’m aware of the player’s statement where he mentioned I grabbed him from behind, but I simply tapped him on the shoulder. His security then backhanded me in the face without looking back in front of a crowd.”
You just hit Britney Spears, an American living legend, you frigging IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??? I don’t have anything more to say. I'm gonna go have a crying session and listen to Hit Me Baby, One More Time!!!
BREAKING NEWS: It turns out that Britney actually hit herself. I did all of that crying for nothing. I would’ve also chalked up the incident to the fact that Wemby only “scored” [nine points] on the basketball court the next day during NBA Summer League because he hadn’t been fully “activated.” [That’s what he told reporters, post-game.] But, this was not the case with Britney. This is also a wonderful time to remind everyone to get mental help if you need some.
Water Buffalo Selfie
On to the next item on my summer vacay list: dumb people on vacays! You’ve all been around these people. They rarely obey warning signs! Like this one, a two-ton water buffalo!!
Ah, Yellowstone, where you can walk right up and pet the buffalo. Or not. From KSL:
Video shows a woman on the boardwalk trying to pet the bison while another lady is holding a camera to take a photo. Within seconds, the bison lowers its head and bucks at the woman with its horns. She screams and runs away while those in her party walk quickly in the other direction.
I mean, what are you gonna do if that bison decides he's had enough? What in the hell are you DOING, lady?!?
Elk Run 2023
This Just in: Something is in the air and water in Estes Park, Colorado. Probably a virus but that’s beside the damned point. But when you’re a trail running “expert” and you just bought $200 shoes at REI you can forego basic rules! You can get off the beaten path and forage for nuts and berries with the wildlife. From USA Today:
It begins with a man and woman – each cradling a small dog – hopping a guard rail and trotting onto a road to escape an elk’s charge. A jogger appears next and the elk, perceiving a threat, charges the man and forces him into a sprint as he tries to avoid contact.
Newsflash: It ALWAYS begins innocently! It’s always, “Oh, looky at the cute…OMG! Run!!!” as the park ranger snickers, knowing this tourist is just joining a very loooong line of stupid visitors to HIS national park.
Finally…
Uber Goobers!
Uber driver Dennis Ferry was just minding his own business, driving through the city of Bountiful when WHAM! His car was hit by some object, purportedly from an airsoft gun. From KSL:
Ferry believes it was a water balloon filled with sticky liquid, perhaps soda. It left a coat of clear gunk on his car along with a dent.
Thanks a lot, kids! Isn’t there some sort of “church activity” or “scouting project” you should be doing?!? The nerve of some people’s kids!!
See ya next week…
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Thanks again for reading Brian Vs. Utah and my new midweek segment. Subscribers are already aware that I’m hard at work on my upcoming book SPORTZZ FRUM HOME. [I’ve included those deets below.] So for the next few weeks you’ll see fewer posts than usual. Here’s some of the latest information pertaining to its release date.
This was a rollicking lil read, lots of fun. Also, “clotheslined” is an excellent verb. :)